Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
