I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
