a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize