the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
