Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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