Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
