apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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