i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
