and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
