Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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