Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
