I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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