The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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