im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
