I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
