Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize