I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
