She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize