Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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