Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
