Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
