I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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