My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
