I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize