My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
