we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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