I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
