Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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