Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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