Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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