It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
