How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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