apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
