pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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