i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
