Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
