Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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