Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just blew my weed a kiss
In other news, I just burned my penis
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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