When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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