hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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