There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
two words: eviction party
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
