separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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