I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
