i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
