I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
