FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
