Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize