i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
