12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
