so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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