you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
