I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
