Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
