Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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