quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
